You know a lot of times I tend to internalize a lot of my feelings. Hell, not a lot of times, most of the time I do. Especially when it comes to professional wrestling. I broke in when the locker room was still a pretty toxic area. During the whole "shit in a duffel bag" era. I never dealt with anything that bad, but that mentality was still extremely prevalent. When I left in 2009 after working almost every weekend from 2002 until 2012, I got tired of that type of atmosphere. As someone who suffers from severe anxiety and manic episodes (get it, the nickname?) I simply couldn't function in the backstage area and was often "ribbed" because of it. I know there was one time I posted on Facebook about my struggles and half the wrestlers I knew posted under it basically saying I was weak and I needed to suck it up. That was the final straw for me as I was sitting there recovering from reconstructive knee surgery and was unemployed due to it. I quit and removed everyone from my Facebook that was associated with wrestling. Then 2016 came and what I've noticed is when I have a death in the family, I tend to push myself towards something I really want. I don't want to die having not achieved my ultimate goals. Then I get over it and stop dreaming and go back to my usual routine.
One thing I know about myself is that I cannot succeed with a wrestling school with how they are set up. Having 10-15 people in a session just doesn't work for me. I fail in group settings like that. I need a small group of maybe 3 or 4 and instead of running drills, we get in the ring and work. I loved doing that with my original trainer, "Sik" Rik Matrix but the issue with that was, he was more worried about himself and not staying rusty, he didn't do so much training as he did just getting his own ring time in and having someone who works loose enough they will give up their bodies for him to work. I remember a time when we did nothing but mat work and he stretched me and then I stretched him back which he was shocked. Eventually that ended when the wrestling promotion associated with the academy closed up. In a way I was thankful because I had to get up at 6am to get ready and drive the almost 100 miles to the school.
I have gone through training several times in my life. When I first broke into the business, we would train before shows. There were two crews, a Buffalo crew and a Rochester crew. The Buffalo crew only had three of us, but the Rochester crew was full including someone everyone knows, the late great Brodie Lee. I had so many good interactions with him (despite him being a Maple Leafs fan). He'd always roast me for being a diehard Sabres fan.
That was a tangent though as I really wanted to talk about my career overall. All my non-wrestling fans, coworkers or even childhood friends growing up say I should be happy with what I've accomplished in professional wrestling. Even my friends in wrestling say that and I agree to a point. The fact is, I didn't accomplish what I wanted to accomplish. Having done what I've done, worked with who I have, I agree I should be proud but if it isn't what you hoped and dreamed of accomplishing, is it really an accomplishment? I know I am not in the best shape, have an awkward look and a little uncoordinated but I watch absolute slobs get more opportunities in other areas than I ever got. I've been in five matches and looked terrible in four of the five, but I feel like I wasn't given the opportunity to even show what I can do. Wrestlers today talk their matches out backstage to avoid the awkwardness they may or may not have physically. I've never had a match where I've been able to do that. Does this sound bitter? Sour grapes? Absolutely, because I know I could be better if given the chance. Hell, I've laid out matches for wrestlers before, wrestlers who've wrestled in previous shows and had God awful matches and then their rematch I lay out for them, and they get applause backstage. I absolutely can do that and maximize what I am good at and hide what I am not. Am I going to do bump and feed and drop downs quickly and cleanly? Absolutely Not! But I can chain wrestle, take a great bump and know enough psychology (I got the seal of approval from a former wrestler and criminal psychologist) I can give a good 7–10-minute match where I can lay out moments to take a breath and continue on. Again, I don't want this to sound as sour grapes but the opportunities I have gotten aren't anywhere near the opportunities and care others have been given.
I had an old boss who told me once, he doesn't love his job and doesn't expect us to either. He only does the job because it is what he's good at to make the most money. He loved woodworking and did that as a hobby but knew it was something that wasn't paying the bills. That is how I feel about life right now. I am very good at my full-time job, but I don't love it. Not at all. I love professional wrestling and all I ever wanted was to be an actual wrestler. I mention this because I am a damn good referee and proud of being considered so. But that isn't want I want out of life. I want to be a wrestler and given the same chance as others to succeed at it. I don't know if I will get that with my current involvement and I am at a point where I am questioning where I will continue to participate or not. My friends in both Arizona and Oklahoma tell me they work or attend shows where a referee also wrestles. Of course, they need to be baby faces because they have to make sure, they follow the rules of wrestling. Heels won't do that. I've had ideas in the past on how to hybrid and pull this off but if it is related to me wrestling, it is almost immediately ignored.
So maybe this was sour grapes but also a release of frustration. Buffalo Championship Wrestling returns to the Renaissance Club in North Tonawanda on November 23rd with the Lumber City Rumble. I am not sure what I am doing except being a referee, but I am hoping for more. It will decide my future or at least make me really consider my future in wrestling. Be sure to check out my YouTube page for updates and commentary about various topics.
